I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
