Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Randomize
