I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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