I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
pray to the hookup gods
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
