When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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