mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
