The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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