So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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