The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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