My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
