i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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