woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
