How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
