its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
