just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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