I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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