I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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