He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
