I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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