I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
