At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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