He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
