I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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