I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
