That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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