everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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