you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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