My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize