I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
