Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I can text with my tongue
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
