On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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