you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
