I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I smell stomach acid.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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