I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
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