Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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