Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
