i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
