I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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