He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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