there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
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