At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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