just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
