So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
