The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
