a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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