There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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