So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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