I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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