I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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