New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
