Fine. I'll sleep in my office
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
