Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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