Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
areolas are like halos for boobs.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
