I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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