i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize