"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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