i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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