Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
