Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
