I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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